The Lighter Side

[joeb]

I just got this in my email. Talk about karma knowing I needed to lighten up.......

>>> SOME WISDOM FROM LARRY THE CABLE GUY
>>>
>>> 1. A day without sunshine is like night.
>>> 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
>>> 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>>> 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>>> 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
>>> 6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
>>> 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>>> 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
>>> 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
>>> 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>>> 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
>>> 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
>>> 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
>>> 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>>> 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>>> 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
>>> 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
>>> 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
>>> 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
>>> 20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>>> 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

What the hell happened?

>>> 22. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
>>> 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
>>> 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.


Thanks, I needed that.

Joe B

[Psychotronic]

Nice one. Here's what I have posted on my fridge to help cool me down sometimes.

The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say,

Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because this is just a ride.

And we … kill those people.

Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real.

It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

-Bill Hicks

[joeb]

Thanks psychotronic. I had some recent knee surgery and I've decided to stop taking the meds for pain because I don't like how they make me feel (ears ringing, lightheaded,etc.). Problem is the withdrawl is worst. Headaches, insomnia, the like. Thankfully the Dr says it should only last a week but it's been making me cranky so little quotes like the one I got in the email and yours take my mind off my mind for a while.

Thanks again, good thoughts.

Joe B

[Wingy]

Psychotronic wrote: ...

The world is like a ride at an amusement park...

That reminds me... I saw a video at

http://www.loadingreadyrun.com/videos/view/24/Life+is+Like+a+Movie

called Life is Like a movie. They talk about life being like something and then they talk about it being like an amusement park! This may not go with the topic, but it Psycho reminded me with that line in the quote...



P.S. That site has many funny movies some of you might enjoy! They just make random movies about random things and make then funny!

[samskelton]

Don't say that word! ...insomnia... I get that all the time!

[VernJensen]

Oh man, don't get me started. I have so much stuff on my hard drive that I've saved from emails over the years, it's not funny. Here's a good one.

---

Courtroom Capers

From a little book called

Disorder in the Court.

They're things people actually
said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what
ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an
example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I
can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said,

Where am I, Cathy?

Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And
where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the
accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A:
We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were
you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were
there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did
they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to
Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it
terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas [noisy fight]? A: No, I was shot midway between
the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies
are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around
8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q:
Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A:
No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Semi-Native]

Those are hilarious. Here's another:

Abbott and Costello

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,

Who's on First?

might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue

W

.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue

w

if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on

START

............

[aquaMat]

Very funny !!! ;D ;D

(All of the above....)

[Freddy]

;D
Remembers me of one of my first lessons in English.

A: What's your name?
B: Watt is my name.
A: Yes, what's your name?
etc.

[Wingy]

Ha ha ha. I don't get it! ;D (Im talking about all this jokes you're all saying)