04-10-2007, 01:23 AM
Oh man, don't get me started. I have so much stuff on my hard drive that I've saved from emails over the years, it's not funny. Here's a good one.
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Courtroom Capers
From a little book called
said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what
ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an
example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I
can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said,
Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And
where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the
accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A:
We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were
you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were
there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did
they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to
Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it
terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas [noisy fight]? A: No, I was shot midway between
the fracas and the navel.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies
are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around
8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q:
Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A:
No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
---
Courtroom Capers
From a little book called
Disorder in the Court.They're things people actually
said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what
ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an
example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I
can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said,
Where am I, Cathy?Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And
where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the
accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A:
We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were
you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were
there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did
they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to
Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it
terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas [noisy fight]? A: No, I was shot midway between
the fracas and the navel.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies
are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around
8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q:
Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A:
No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.